Three Parts my Heart.

I turned 20!

2008-06-06T06:35:00.002-05:00

This is Me & Amita at Econfina:

Our canoe said Discovery 69, lawls:

This is me & Julie going to play in the water:

Me probz being a smart ass:

My 20th birthday is June 3rd!

2008-04-26T20:53:00.002-05:00

BUY ME THESE!?:

All of these from ModCloth.com

FROM HERITAGE1981
AND FOREVER21.COM

OF COURSE - DELIA*S.COM

The Con

2008-04-24T23:05:00.005-05:00

I listened in, Yes I'm guilty of this. You should know this I broke down and wrote you back Before you had a chance toForget forgotten. I am moving past this giving notice. I have to go. Yes I know the feeling, Know you're leaving. Calm down, I'm calling you to say I'm capsized, erring on the edge of safe. Calm down, I'm calling back to say I'm home now. I'm coming around, coming around. Nobody likes to but I really like to cry. Nobody likes me, Maybe if I cry.
Spelled out your name and lists the reasons, Pain of heart. Don't call me back. I imagine you when I was distant, Non-insistent, I follow suit and laid out on my back. Imagine that.

A million hours left to think of you And think of that. Calm down, I'm calling you to say I'm capsized, erring on the edge of safe. Calm down, I'm calling back to say I'm home now And coming around, coming around. Nobody likes to but I really like to cry. Nobody likes me, Maybe if I cry.
Encircle me, I need to be, taken down.

Lullaby

2008-04-24T22:10:00.003-05:00

It's those pills that you don't need to take,medicating perfection, now that's a mistake. I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep. It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it. It's your grace and how it keeps me grounded. I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep. If you need anything, just the say the word. I mean anything. Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in, Plant my lips where your necklaces close.

I abhor you.

2008-03-31T18:27:00.001-05:00

This city sleeps in flames.

2008-03-30T21:53:00.001-05:00

I don't care what you said I won't sink in the flood But I listen to every noise That you make and make sense of what you say And I take note to every sound We're not the same again Don't you dare insinuate me You don't care what you create You can't swim in this flood And you'll swallow with every wave That comes by and take take what you need You'll still swallow with every tide We're not the same again Don't you dare insinuate me To hell with that!

I'm still alive.

2008-03-03T08:45:00.003-06:00

I'm still moving forward. I'm still breathing. I'm still smiling on my own.
I'm still forgetting.
I'm still doing my thing. I'm still in love with someone who treats me like a queen.

I bet you're really pissed off now.

2008-01-30T23:01:00.001-06:00

If you be my star I'll be your sky you can hide underneath me and come out at night when I turn jet black and you show off your light I live to let you shine I live to let you shine but you can skyrocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy far from here with more room to fly just leave me your stardust to remember you by if you be my boat I'll be your sea a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze I live to make you free I live to make you free but you can set sail to the west if you want to and past the horizon till I can't even see you far from here where the beaches are wide just leave me your wake to remember you by if you be my star I'll be your sky you can hide underneath me and come out at night when I turn jet black and you show off your light I live to let you shine I live to let you shine but you can skyrocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy far from here with more room to fly just leave me your stardust to remember you by stardust to remember you by

Stay.

2008-01-20T00:23:00.000-06:00

I feel like I've finally found the kind of love that writers create romance novels over, some of the things that we share could sell a hit book... or at least give directors a shot to shoot a Grammy award winning movie on, maybe an artist to sell #1 song on the billboard charts. I just think that when I look at you that no one else has ever seen anyone or anything the same way that I see you. You evoke so much passion and love in me that at times it leaves me completely breathless. I want to keep it this way.

2008-01-01T21:23:00.000-06:00

Don't leave yet, it's still early and I haven't even said a word.

and I'm hoping that I might upset you by saying what I want to

'cause it's not like you don't know I've fallen for...

it's in my head and that's where you can't see it.

and I thought that maybe if I had to bite the tips of my fingers,

I could stumble over words and tell you

just how far before I hit the ground.

and I'm the type to think of all the wrong things to say,

and I will shut myself up and I'll never come out-

I'll close all my doors and only show you

the black spots where my eyes once were.

I can say this- I can say this- I can say this-

I can collect myself down-

come out punching and screaming out loud.

2008 in style!

2007-12-31T23:13:00.000-06:00

This bitch right here is getting drunk alone tonight!
WIN!

Polygraph, right now.

2007-12-26T18:29:00.000-06:00

Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore
She loves salting my wounds
Yes, she enjoys nothing more
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown

Peace out 2007.

2007-12-25T17:25:00.000-06:00

This year has had ups & downs, just like every other year before. I mean, shit, I've really accomplished a lot this year. I paid my bills on time for the most part, I got my diploma. I popped out one amazing baby girl!, I got a car, credit card, & a drivers liscense, I moved to Florda ... then back to Atlanta ... then back to Florida again, I turned 19 years old, I got pulled over for the very first time, and uh.. yeah, I'm getting a divorce. Pretty eventful year, if I do say so myself. Though I am very happy to see it go. Onto better and brighter days, I hope.

Head over Heels.

2007-12-23T17:52:00.000-06:00

If one more person picks on me about my weight
I am going to go all columbine over here.

All the good that won't come out.

2007-12-20T03:23:00.000-06:00

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick but I won't go to the doctor to find out about it. Cause they make you stay real still in a real small space As they chart up your insides and put them on display. They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it.
All the good that won't come out of me, and all the stupid lies I hide behind. It's such a big mistake lying here in your warm embrace. Oh, you're almost home. I've been waiting for you to come in. Dancing around in your old suits going crazy in your room again.

I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street.
You say I choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me.
Maybe you're right...

This song is on repeat non-stop. It always sends shivers down my spine. I can't wait for you to write me back, it's all I'm living on. E-mail to e-mail... that's my whole life right now. And wine... gotta have a good glass of wine.

aw frig.

2007-12-20T02:13:00.000-06:00

LOL.

19 Days

2007-12-16T12:46:00.000-06:00

With you gone there is not much else to write about.
I miss you terribly.

21 Days.....

2007-12-14T10:05:00.000-06:00

&I just want to sleep them away.

she buried herself in the air.

2007-12-12T01:28:00.000-06:00

where? up there. she scurried up invisible back stairs. where? back there. and what did she do all day long? all day long, just rode along. what did she do all day long? all day long, sang silent songs. what did she do all day long? all day long, the dirge was on. what did she do all day long?

all day long: mute button on.

Thailand, Philippines, & Bangkok

2007-12-11T03:29:00.000-06:00

You be good to my heart, or I will bomb the shit out of you. Period.

I'll miss you for all three entire weeks.
Every day, every hour, every minute, every second.
You're way more than worth this wait, you know?

I didn't think it was possible for one person to be the reason behind so many smiles. I'll be worried sick about you, but keeping you in mind constantly. I really do hope you have fun, I know you will. This will be one huge learning experience for you. I just hope you have at least one second every day to stop, think about me, & smile. I adore you, boy.

Nurse.

2007-12-08T18:10:00.000-06:00

five hundred milligrams of love has me in a disarray
(the room whitens to the voice of panicked doctors)
get this man to the o.r.
stat: unconscious
time lapse: (the shades rise, call button by body side)

in the recovery room
i wrote a list of all the ways that you are beautiful,
it goes on and on and on and on and on and
on and on and on and on and on and on.

Fucked for life.

2007-12-07T01:12:00.001-06:00

I must have some kind of fucking curse. My own little black rain cloud that just follows me through hell and back. Things will never go the way that they should. At least in my mind, I feel like I've gone through enough hell in my life to be able to be paid back by now. I should be able to breathe clearly and happily majority of the time but I've got this fucking disease that just eats at me day in and day out. I gain things only to have them taken away from me again, almost immediantly. This is me, for once in my life, being fucking selfish. I know right now it is my total obligation to be completely supportive, but I can't even support the weight of everything in my life... on top of this. It completely horrifies me & every minute after you told me that news I've been on the verge of tears. I went to that stupid company party to try to take my mind off of it but the whole time I was sitting there I couldn't stop thinking about it & how much I wish you'd stop by, but then I realized that in a year [give or take] I'll be sitting by myself constantly, & it seriously killed me. I got home and cried myself to sleep for the first time in a long time. I'm here with you, and I will be here with you. I'll tough it out for however long it's going to take... I just hope you know that.
&I'm already having nightmares.

It almost feels like I'm in a car that's speeding down and endless highway and all of the sudden I see the "dead end" sign, then the breaks stop working. It's that gut churning, heart wrenching, completely unable to move feeling. If I am this way then I can only imagine how you are holding up. && I want you to talk to me about it.

Swan Song.

2007-12-06T17:24:00.000-06:00

today wont be like yesterday, the bell tolls for an hour straight. screaming mothers chase their children down, fathers tear out their eyes while the city topples to the ground. outside the streets are in a panic. truth sellers leap from tall, tall ledges. no sign of Christ, with a sword in his mouth. beneath the blood red sky, i'll sit and laugh with you tonight. this is a promise i made to you, i'll be right there. i'll be right next to you.
when trumpets blare the loudest, and cannons roar. all the trains that once came for you spill off the tracks. floor all your horrors, they multiply as you realize your fears. i'll block your ears with both of my hands, kiss away the tears.
when armageddon's been locked and loaded, i will come back for you...

wantwantwant!

2007-12-03T06:09:00.000-06:00

Wish List.

2007-12-03T02:19:00.001-06:00

[Lot's of laughs] Konica minolta maxxum 5D: $679-ish

BlackBerry 8800: $499

Sigma Fisheye 15mm: $365

Minolta X-700: $285-ish

Velocity vs. Viscosity

2007-12-01T19:11:00.000-06:00

A lethargic avalanche of synthetic thought can take days to fall. Part of the mute paralysis of viscosity comes from knowing every detail of what's ahead and having to wait for its arrival. Here comes the I'm-no-good thought. That takes care of today. All day the insistent dripping of I'm no good. The next thought, the next day, is I'm the Angel of Death. This thought has a glittering expanse of panic behind it, which is unreachable. Viscosity flattens the effervescence of panic.

These thoughts have no meaning. They are idiot mantras that exist in a prearranged cycle: I'm no good, I'm the Angel of Death, I'm stupid, I can't do anything. Thinking the first thought triggers the whole circuit. It's like the flu: first a sore throat, then, inevitably, a stuffy nose and a cough.

Once, these thoughts must have had a meaning. They must have meant what they said. But repetition has blunted them. They have become background music, a Muzak medley of self-hatred themes.

Which is worse, overload or underload? Luckily, I never had to choose. One or the other would assert itself, rush or dribble through me, and pass on.

Pass on to where? Back into my cells to lurk like a virus waiting for the next opportunity? Out into the ether of the world to wait for the circumstances that would provoke its reappearance? Endogenous or exogenous, nature or nurture - it's the great mystery of mental illness.

Delete, Restart, Repeat.

2007-11-30T23:27:00.000-06:00

I've attempted to write this four times, but I feel like it doesn't explain enough. I feel like it won't stick the way I intend it to. The next time you're holding me I wonder if I were to whisper, "Closer." if you would completely understand. I know you're as close to me as humanly possible but I'm always wanting more. If there was a way to sew our fingertips together I think I would try, If that'd let you in and understand the rythm that my heart beats when you're around me. Nothing compares to that sparkle in your eyes, the smile that's for me, and the chemistry between us that lights up an entire room. Days and nights aren't nearly long enough, they always leave me feeling ripped off. I want to know everything there is to know about you. What makes you smile, what makes you cry, what makes you mad, what makes you feel like life is worth living for. No, there certainly aren't enough hours in the day to get everything out, to get everything correct. I hang my heart on a string and dangle it just for you, I wonder if it's the least bit tempting? Am I doing this right? My only intentions are to make you smile and realize that to me, you are everything in this world. I'll hold you close everyday and always question ways to be closer. This feeling is irreplacable, so please don't think I'll ever lose you.

"You make the future worth living for."

Virgin Suicides.

2007-11-30T18:26:00.001-06:00

Mainly, what I miss about Georgia is having friends who are female.
Julie, Katie, Katie E, Andi, Lauren, & Jensen.

Watching chick flicks, trips to the mall to mainly shop at Papaya or Delia's, Hair modeling for Toni & Guy, driving aimlessly & listening to some awesome songs that bring back the best of the best memories even if we do end up crying at the end of them, smoking so many cigarettes our throats are on fire, talking shit, random road trips just for the hell of it, black cherry soda, raw cookie dough, and endless amounts of pickles... just to wake up with a stomach ache the next morning. The MASQ on 80's night, completely wasted and lost in Downtown Atlanta.

It's safe to say I miss my girls.

BRAND NEW.

2007-11-29T19:18:00.000-06:00

Once said, always said.

I will hold the past over your head.
I'll speak my mind whenever I feel slighted.
I am hellbent on extracting all of my revenge.
Take heart, sweetheart, or I will take it from you.
We slip concealed back to the keep.
Concede to do the work for free.
We prey as wolves among the sheep
and slit the necks of soldiers while they sleep.

I'LL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.

2007-11-28T03:47:00.000-06:00

"While you were sleeping I figured out everything, I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me. Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins. You shine so bright it's insane, you put the sun to shame."

Before you kill your idols,
kiss them goodnight.

HATE CITY.

2007-11-09T18:48:00.000-06:00

Fact:

Dear Boy,

2007-11-04T18:02:00.001-06:00

HALLOWEEN '07

2007-11-01T21:48:00.000-05:00

My BabyLove:

Check out the two bottom teeth! Yay 9 months!

FLASHBACK.

2007-10-28T18:25:00.000-05:00

i won't normally do this but i feel like i need to get this out. every dream i had last night and every thought that's gone through my head today is a constant reminder to me of why i am where i am right now in my life. i guess this will take a little explaining on my half...

six years ago i was 13 years old. at 13 years old i thought i knew everything about anything. at 13 years old i never thought that my life would be this way. i always tried to imagine my life at 18 or 19 years old. i always tried to imagine my wedding day... a family, having children. i was expecting a fairy tale life. i also expected my father to be around a lot longer than he was. i didn't think i'd lose him within the next 5 years of my life. i can honestly say now that as much as i absolutely hated my father when he was around and never listened to him. as mean as he was and all of the above ... i have never respect any man any more than my dad. i probably never will. we didn't get along because we were too much a like. i've recently figured this out. but that's the one man in my life that i could ALWAYS fall back on, no matter what. and i hate and regret every day of my life not listening to him. not talking to him. not sitting beside him. not going places with him. not listening to him. starting fights with him. going behind his back and doing things i shouldn't have been doing.

i think if i would have listened that things would be different now.

i was in his hospital room and i bent over to hug him and i held his hand and said, "i love you, daddy." and he moved his foot. that was the only sign of life he gave us that day. and it absolutely broke my heart. before he got there he kept saying he loved my mother and i, and not to worry about it that he was going to be home tomorrow. but something felt off, and i knew differently.the hardest part about it all is that i never got to tell him a proper good-bye. i remember sitting in the waiting room of the hospital and my older cousin telling me that i need to tell him everything that i've ever wanted to say to him because this is my last chance to get it all out. she told me if i didn't that i would regret that for the rest of my life, and she was right.

and i was about to go back and sit with my father and hold his hand and open up everything in my life to him, but the intercom came on and they were saying "code red fourth floor, code red." & i knew it was too late. the nurses came out and took everyone in the family back to my fathers room in ICU, we were all standing around his bedside. my mother and i were holding on to each hand and the nurse was talking. the room was spinning for me, so i don't recall exactly what she was saying. she was putting ice packs on him to try to bring down his temperature, which was at this point at 110 degrees. we all just sat and waited. the ventilator was still going and that was the only noise in the room.

then he machine that tracks his heart rate started making a lot of noise. the nurse just looked at me, and everyone looked at me. and i was stairing at the nurse waiting on her to just say something. finally she said, "i'm sorry, he's gone v-stat." and my mom and aunt started crying. my uncles got quiet and then they started crying. my older cousin grabbed onto me and started crying. and i remember asking "i don't understand, i don't understand. what does that mean? what is that? what does it mean?" and i noticed the line was flat on the monitor. and i lost it after that.

everyone left the room except for me and my mom. my mom was crying and she took my hands, she kept telling me it'd be okay. she told me that i had to tell him that it's okay for him to go now. she told me to tell him that me and her were going to be okay... but i wouldn't and i didn't. and i told her that i was too selfish to let him go, and i told her that i wasn't going to lie to him anymore.

i kept saying "what are we going to do?"

and she never did answer that.

Lovestoned.

2007-10-24T23:08:00.000-05:00

The Devil and God are raging inside me.

2007-10-22T20:24:00.000-05:00

I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

The only thing you'll get,

2007-10-21T22:43:00.001-05:00

Is this curse upon your lips.
I hope they taste of me forever.

Smitten.

2007-10-21T02:43:00.000-05:00

I am completely captivated by you.
My heartbeat is heavy.

Baby, you're bad news.

2007-10-19T22:11:00.001-05:00

I don't care, I like you.
I like you.